Mama's Boy

We've had a pretty rough go so far at 2011 and I felt we needed somethings to just start getting easier!
I am very thankful my body is able and my baby thrived on my breast milk, but it is not the easiest thing I have ever done! I wear a nursing tank top 24 hours a day 7 days a week, my massive boobies don't fit in some of my shirts, I leak, not all the time but sometimes which leads to boobie pads everyday. They "say" Will has reflux (we still don't believe it) but we do what the doctors say and add cereal to thicken up my runny milk which leads to constipation so then we add white grape juice to try and get Will to poop. I pump at work which isn't too bad, and finally Will still was not sleeping through the nights and recently started to refuse to eat in the morning after being fed in the middle of the night. I hate struggling with this and starting our days on a sour note.
So Friday I sat in the parking lot of Walgreen's before I went in and purchased the formula, called Luke and cried. I hate that I had tried so hard and did so good for four months and still felt like a bad mother, a failure for trying it out. But at the end of the day I had to try something, something had to make this all a little bit easier.
We tried the Enfamil AR, with added rice to make his belly full and happy, thus to try and get him not to reflux.
He HATES formula, hates it!!!! We tried mixing 1 ounce of it with 4 ounces of breast milk and he still refused. I left the house so he wouldn't see, hear, or smell me when Luke tried to feed him. It became a battle, what if I wanted to quit all together, what if something happened to me? People said when he was hungry he would eat it so we thought we would just keep trying.
The constipation had set in once again so we tried the formula with the grape juice. We got down a total of two bottles of formula throughout the whole weekend but not without a fight, I think all three of us had mental breakdowns over this and come Monday with Luke's mom he still wasn't eating it so I threw in the towel.
I don't understand why he hates it so much or why this seems so much harder for him than other babies but if what he needs most right now is me then I will give that to him, whole hearted.
After all is said and done in a way it is nice to be needed by someone :) I just wish things were a little easier for nursing mommas and babies.

Note: Yesterday his pedi referred me to another specialist to look at him to try and figure out his cough.